Days of Sadness here, Gladness in Heaven

WARNING: MAY BE GRAPHIC TO SOME READERS
If you are on facebook you may have seen that we have had some sad days here lately.  My sister, who was two months ahead of me in her pregnancy has had a lot of stuff going on.  She had weeks of spotting, but doctors could not find anything too concerning.  She also lost some amniotic fluid, which again, seemed to have no reason behind it.  About a week ago her bleeding intensified a lot.  On Tuesday cramping also started.  Wednesday evening she gave birth to a little girl in her car en route to the hospital at 24 weeks.  Her husband then broke the sac, and gave CPR until the ambulances arrived.  Traumatic, to say the least.  Baby did not survive.  Obviously very difficult experience for them.  The sadness that I feel can not be measured.  She is my sister, and we were sharing a very special experience, and it is very difficult to be so far away from her right now.  So many thoughts go through my mind, one of which was that we were going to take pictures of our bellies about a month ago, but decided that we would wait until we were further along.  Now we don't have the chance.  And I will be a reminder to her every time she sees me of what she has lost, as well as my child when that time comes.  What once was a special thing will now be a sad thing. 
I think that it has also made me feel again what a blessin our children are. Although we've grieved the inability to get pregnant, Stan and I have never had a miscarriage or lost a child.  I'm thankful that we have not had that sort of grief.  As I go to the memorial for my little niece, I'm reminded of the other babies Stan's and my families have lost.  Noah, my brother's boy who died at birth, and 3 others we don't know, 2 lost by Stan's brother and sister-in-law and 1 lost by Stan's sister and her husband.
But I also know that what is sadness here, is gladness in heaven.  Although I don't know exactly how it is there, and probably not theoligically accurate,  I like to think that my grandma is holding  Miriam, and her cousin Noah is nearby.  And given the difficulties that she would have likely faced here, with brain damage and any number of other things, I think that once the grief can pass, we will see the blessing in it.  I think that God knows what we can bear, and as hard as this is for my sister, I think God knew she may not be able to handle what could have been. 

Camp, here we come

So after much deliberation, many doubts, and finally peace, we have decided to head to our church's camp for a week.  We feel like we've been out of the camp scene since we were dating, and now I guess we're getting back in.  It was a difficult decision for us, probably mostly for selfish reasons, although there were a few legitimate concerns as well.   Its hard to give up a week of holidays to volunteer when we have many other things we could be doing with our girls. But no matter what we do, I need to remember that we're building memories for them, and really, if we can get them used to camp already, then it should be easier when they are older to go.  They'll know what to expect, and hopefully be excited about going.  As it is right now, they are excited.  They both don't know what's in store, but Chasadya's best friend is also going to be there with her parents, so I think it will be great on that front.  In fact, Stan and I don't know what to expect either.  We have never been to this camp, and although we met at a camp, to me this is very different.  The camp I attended growing up, and later counselling at didn't have a lake, but rather a pool.  It had a fabulous horsemanship program, which is where I learned to ride, as well as archery, crafts, sports,and a few other "skills".  We would be able to choose 4 for the week, and would get to do these each once a day.  As far as I know, there is a very different set up at this camp.  There are not that many campers to begin with(less than 50) and it sounds like they all do the same thing at the same time(I may be wrong about that, but that's how it sounded).  So what are we doing?  Stan is going to drive boat for water sports during the swim time, and we are both going to do sports together.  Not sure if this is my forte, but its something that needs to be done, and we want to be available.  So over the next few days, we'll be brainstorming for ideas on group games.  There are a few relay possibilities, as well as the classic "Capture the Flag" or "Prisoner's Base", but we also need to have a few rain day possibilities.  Any suggestions, let me know.
Although there is a little apprehension over this experience, mostly fear of the unknown, I also feel like we finally made the decision that God wanted us to make.  Why else did we never feel completely settled every time we said no?  Why did it keep coming up?  Why else were Stan's holidays at the right time?  I think it was because God knew we should be going.  Not only for the campers, the staff, and ourselves, but also for our girls.  We may not be able to go again for a few years, as we'll have a 6 month old next year, but if we don't go this year, when everything has worked out so well, when will we?  I've been told that the relationships built, the entire experience, is something that we will not regret doing.  If I can get past the packing, I just might end up agreeing with them.  But before we go to camp, we have a week with the girls doing the things that we planned to do over 2 weeks, which includes shopping(!) and of course the place where the train goes round and round. 

Water challenges

After a summer of no yard, we are completely enjoying having one this year.  We have grass, a sandbox, and our pool.  Thanks to God, we have had the weather to enjoy all of that.  Its been interesting to watch my girls become more and more comfortable with the water.  Two years ago, when we had the pool set up, we watched Mikaela learn to walk in the water.  She of course lost her balance, but the resistance of the water helped her realize that she could do it, and it didn't take long after that she was walking outside of the pool.  This year, the first little while of being in the pool was quite uncomfortable for them(it was pretty cold to start- now its so warm Stan does not find it refreshing-28 degrees), but aside from the temperature, they just didn't feel that comfortable.  I would have thought that we take them swimming enough to a big pool that it wouldn't be a big deal, but it seemed like this was different enough.  Our pool is only 2 feet deep, so they can very easily walk and run around in it.  Last week Chasadya had a pool party for her birthday, and I was amazed at how one of her friends had no fear of the water and repeatedly put her head under and all sorts.  She was wearing water wings for that reason.  But I couldn't help but think, wow, why doesn't Chasadya feel that comfortable.  But I realize that each child is different, and does things at their own pace. However, I think that seeing her friend be so at ease has helped her a bit this week.  Actually, both girls have become so much more comfortable this week, that I've been surprised.  It really helps that we are in the pool every day, yesterday three times.  And although Mikaela gets a bit worked up about her face going in the water, Chasadya has realized that she can stand up, and its no big deal.  She's working on blowing bubbles under water for 3 seconds, and although she's not there yet, I have no doubt that she will be by the end of the summer. 
I'm just thankful for the weather, but also that I can be at home with my girls to see them grow and push themselves.  Some of the memories we make now will last their lifetime, and I'm so privileged to be able to be such a part of it. 

Sisters, Sisters

Sisters are sisters, no matter the age.  Two days ago, I travelled 2 hours to get together with my sister to get my maternity clothes back from her.  We have always shared maternity clothes, and probably because I got pregnant first 5 and a half years ago, most of the clothes that have gone back and forth have been mine.  Although when she was pregnant and I wasn't, she gave me a bunch of her other clothes for 9 months.  When my sister called a few months ago to tell me she was pregnant, it was extremely difficult for me to pack up the maternity clothes to give to her, as I had hoped to be the next one to wear them, and it had already been two years of waiting.  But in faith that I would need them before she was done with them, I marked my initial on every piece that was mine and handed them over again.  When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I would need the clothes back, but it leaves her in a bit of a bind, as most of them are mine.  On Sunday, it was exciting to see her and compare bellies, and make the exchange.  She is two months ahead of me, so I let her keep the larger things.  But what intrigued me today was that although we are many miles apart, we are sharing a common experience, and its fun to be able to help each other out with the cost of maternity clothes, although this time we'll be a little more on our own.
  However, maternity clothes are not the only thing that goes back and forth.  She has a daughter who is between my girls in age.  Right from the beginning we have also sent girls clothes back and forth.  Once Chasadya is done with them, I send them to her, and when her daughter is done with them, they come back for Mikaela.  She has since had a boy, and I'm curious what will happen this time around when our babies will be so close in age.  Neither of us know yet what we're having.  This clothing exchange we've done has been so helpful to both of us.  Although I need to buy everything for Chasadya, my sister still buys stuff for her daughter, so when that comes here, I feel like Mikaela has new stuff too, because Chasadya has never worn it.  It helps with the cost as well.  We're coming to a bit harder time as they become more and more the same size, and we've long given up on shoes, as Chasadya has extremely small feet.  She is wearing the same size as my niece, and in fact she and Mikaela wear the same shoes from time to time.
   This morning my girls decided to wear each others clothes.  Of course they don't fit properly, but they were both excited to go to the other's drawer to pick something out.  I didn't realize that this desire to raid another's closet started at such a young age!  But I can only hope and pray that this will be something that can continue for many years to come, and they can experience the blessings of a sister like I have, no matter the distance between them. 

God's Perfect Timing

So I'll blame my lack of posting on the crazy tiredness I'm experiencing, but I'm going to try to get back into it.  We've been talking prayer at Bible study the last while, and last week we discussed unanswered prayer.  As we discussed God saying not yet to some of our prayer requests, I started to think of what that's been like in our life.  (Side note: we've also talked about our 'Plan A' and God's 'Plan B' in Sunday school and how his plan is better, although we don't always see it at the time.)  So if God had answered our prayers right away for a child, and we never had to wait with any of them, we would have an eight year old instead of a 5 year old.  In fact, we would probably have four children, all two years apart, and be done.  We had very close friends get pregnant the first month they tried and found out that we started trying the same month.  At the time we thought it would be so neat if it would happen right away for us too, but instead their second child, and our first are only a month apart.  They do in fact have four children, and their life looks very different from ours.  As I pondered this, and looked at things, I realized how different our life would look, and I just became immensely grateful for God's timing.
  We would have had two children when we changed churches years ago(to be going somewhere closer to where we lived).  This would have meant friendships with different people.  I would have missed out on the ones I do have.  I have never in my life felt so blessed by the people in my life.  I have an amazing set of friends.  We bonded years ago, and us women get together on a weekly basis to talk and pray with each other.  I can share anything with these women, and I know that they feel the same.  I would have missed out on this blessing.  I can't imagine that.  This closeness will make it very difficult when one of these close friends moves to Kentucky for her husband to attend seminary this summer. 
Another thing that wouldn't have happened is for Chasadya to have her closest friend live on our street.  In God's timing, we struggled with infertility at the same time as friends of ours.  While God answered our prayer sooner than theirs, they were able to adopt a little girl whose birthday is exactly a month later than Chasadya's.  And as things turned out, they moved onto the same street as us.  Who knows if that friendship will continue throughout school, but its nice to know one of the girls she will start kindergarten with, and in fact,  her mom and I are taking turns bringing the girls to school.  Who but God could have orchestrated two infertile couples having girls the same age, living on the same street, who were born on opposite sides of the world. 
And as we look at another child coming into our home, we see another picture of God's perfect timing.  Mikaela has been a bit more of a tricky child to figure out, and has always been a bit more of a "Mommy's girl"  She needs cuddle time after her nap, she's more strong-willed, and tests boundaries more.  With the timing of things, Chasadya will have half a year of school, in which we can establish a routine, and get used to the whole idea of her being gone every morning.  And I will have half a year to have one on one time with Mikaela, to spend just with her, before the new baby comes.  I'm excited about that.  I think it will be good for her to have that time with me, because it will definitely be harder for her to accept a baby into our midst than it will Chasadya.  One of the reasons for that is that she has always been the "baby" and because she's so much about mommy, it will take her time to get used to sharing me.  We pray that it will go smoothly.  But I'm so thankful that I don't have to figure out school and a new baby all at the same time.  God knows how much I can handle, and I don't think I would have handled that well. 
I challenge you to look back and see what God's done in your life.  Where has His timing, His plan been way better than anything you could have picked for yourself?  It may not be easy, in fact, its so much easier to see it in the past, but it would be neat to see it even in the midst of what you're going through.  I also encourage you, that although its hard when prayers seem to go unanswered, that there may just need to be a little more time, and the answer will be so much better for us than we anticipate.  I look back now at the many journeys God's taken us on, and I'm very glad for His timing.

Shifting Perspective

Its been very difficult for me to change my whole mindset in regards to eating and weight loss now that I'm pregnant.  I hadn't realized how much I kept track of it and how many habits(good at the time), I had formed.  This last week I really let myself go with the busyness of the garage sale, and it bothered me a lot.  I ate out often, suppers were not healthy, evening snacking was normal, and exercise didn't happen.  Now I know that I shouldn't be trying to lose weight now, but I do want to be healthy.  And I know that if I can continue to exercise throughout my pregnancy and not gain crazy amounts, that it will be much easier to bounce back later.  So I need to work on changing my whole thought pattern.  Before I was careful with what I ate and diligent in my exercising, and in the month that I got pregnant I lost 5 pounds.  Significant for me.  And it felt really great to see the numbers moving down.  So my goal this week is to get exercising again, and to eat healthy.  If I continue my workouts like before, I need to make sure that I eat enough calories to even it out.  I've looked it up online and found that I don't need very many more calories now than I did before, I just need to make sure I'm taking in the full amount and not trying to stay under a certain number.  I'm also cutting way back on caffeine and increasing my calcium.  I'm not sure whether that will help at all, as my parathyroid messes that all up, and surgery is now postponed till after the baby, but it is something baby needs, so hopefully my body will be able to process some of the extra and give it to baby. 
We were about to go to a natural health clinic about our infertility when we found out we were already pregnant.  But one of the things we knew we would probably need to do if we pursued that was change our eating habits completely, giving up pretty much all sugars and forms it takes, flour and anything processed.  It would have been very difficult, but we would have done it.  Now that we got pregnant without needing to do that, I've thought that maybe its not a bad idea to give up some of it anyway, at least to a certain extent.  'Cause hey, if its supposed to help someone to get pregnant, than likely it would be great for the baby after too.  Just some thoughts, and a bit of a pep talk to myself to get it together this week and not just go the easy route.  But to be fair to myself, I wasn't home last week a whole lot, and the first trimester tiredness has certainly kicked in, so when I was home, I really didn't feel like putting a whole lot of effort into a decent supper.  All this to say that although I am not going to focus on losing weight now, I do still want to be healthy and give this baby the best I can, so I'm upping my game this week and getting back into the healthy mentality.  Its just a shift in perspective now that I'm supporting another life and its not just me. 

One plus One Equals 5

I may need to update my photo soon as it will soon be a misrepresentation.  And why would that be?  Well, I don't look quite as slim as my photo suggests, as I've been eating a little more lately.  However, that isn't the only reason my stomach has been showing a difference.  Yeah, you guessed it.  WE ARE HAVING A BABY!!!  Our family will soon be one person bigger.  No, we didn't know when we changed the girls rooms around.  And we were just about to go to a natural health clinic to see what they would recommend.  God's timing is great, looking at it from this side of it.  Its incredibly difficult to go through it  and we question everything, including timing, but its so easy to see the good now.  I'll have half a year of Chasadya in kindergarten, so we'll be able to get all the kinks worked out.  I'll also have half a year of her being in school to spend with Mikaela, which I think will be a really good thing for her.  Our baby is due beginning of January, and so that's going to be different as I've never had a winter baby before.  It still feels a bit unreal that after waiting almost 2 years for news like this, that its actually happening, but my body is very quickly making it real, as I'm already not able to hide it.  I look like I did at 3 months along with Chasadya, and I'm only 6 weeks.  Seeing as my sister has all my maternity clothes(she's 2 months ahead of me), I'm quickly running out of options in the wardrobe department, and I was hoping to get through a bit of the summer with my old clothes.  That seems increasingly unlikely, which I suppose is normal for a third pregnancy.  It is the reason that we are making it known to the general public, not just family and close friends, already.  Now that garage sale stuff is done, I'll be posting more often again, and I intend to share a bit about the girls reactions and so on.  For now, though, I need to get my girls out of the tub and dressed for bed.